Editor’s note: Since super-elitist Al Gore is being accused of alleged sexual assault by some woman from Oregon now, I’m penning this letter in hopes that he will come clean and provide answers to the “small people” of this planet. I’m also using a few of the many Global Warming phrases Mr. Gore has used in quotations in addressing him.

Dear Mr. Gore,

Say it ain’t so, Big Al or tell me that it is.

I’m just “sweatin’ it out” these days to find out if you really did grope that 54-year-old “sultry” masseuse lady up in Portland, Oregon as she allegedly claims.

Personally, I’m “hot under the collar” because I don’t believe her story one darn bit! Imagine you, a former Nobel Peace winning, big-time environmentalist, trying to score some quick “sweltry” whoopee with some ordinary, run-of-the mill chick.

The whole darn idea seems a bit far-fetched, it not “radioactive” to me.

But then, you did ditch your cute little wife of almost 40 years, the former Ms. Tipper Gore, just recently. That did cause me to have some doubt about whether or not you made a pass to that "sizzling", red-headed Oregon woman while you were getting rubbed down that “steamy” night in a Portland hotel room.

But then I came to my senses. How could a concerned world leader like you resort to begging for a “torrid” one night stand with a mere commoner? You have way too much class to ever dream of doing such a stupid thing, even if she was a “flaming” beauty!

I know that you are taking a lot of "blistering" criticism now, but you may be glad to know that almost all of us are “fuming” with “sizzling” attitudes over these “half-baked” allegations. We sympathize with you, Mr. Gore, and we look to you for love, advice and guidance in these dangerous times of world strife and global warming.

Come to think about it, I’d bet that if this allegation is true, this masseuse lady rubbed you the wrong way on purpose, or maybe she rubbed you the right way a little too darn good. It’s got to be her fault, because I’ve heard that those “fervent” rub-down girls know all about a man’s tender erogenous zones and how to manipulate them.

Personally, I don’t know what I would do without your dire warnings of polar bears dying, glaciers vanishing and water levels going up some 20 feet around the world due to the “blistery” conditions we are currently enduring. Those things scare the heck out of me, and even though the past winter was the coldest I can remember, I’m behind you 100 percent!

Also, I don’t care if you “burn” 213 thousand kilowatts of electricity each month heating your enormous, oversized, ostentatious Tennessee mansion. I know that’s enough electricity to power 232 average homes over the same time span, but we don’t question your dubious motives. After all, your unique, humongous brain probably dwarfs ours in terms of size, performance and reasoning ability!

Another thing that has me “steaming” is that she allegedly called you a crazed sex poodle. Imagine calling one of the smartest men that ever lived something that might be misconstrued as being a sex pervert! That is just completely outrageous and unacceptable!

Don’t we all know by now that it’s always the conservatives that are hell-bent on fooling around, practicing infidelity or making “scorching” sexual mischief? I mean, if you eliminate your former boss and United States President Bill Clinton, ex-Senator John Edwards, former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, ex-New York governor Elliot Spitzer and the man who took over for Spitzer, present Governor David Patterson, etc., etc., liberals are mere exceptions to that rule!

Finally, I sympathize with you, Big Al. It must be really tough trying to educate the whole world on questionable, controversial, “white-hot” theories that have never been proven and getting those same ignorant people to believe them. Never mind that most of the so-called evidence was tainted, fabricated, or lied about, we still believe in you, Big Al.

We know that you, as a powerful elitist, have a heavy cross to bear in this life of ours. Being as special as you are, you deserve to burn as much fuel as it takes while traveling in all of those fancy, private jets wherever you want to. The masses need your vast knowledge conveyed to them in terms they can understand in order to make this a kinder, gentler nation instead of a “fiery” pit of Hell.

n the meantime, live your life the way you have always wanted to, and don’t be so worried about us common folk.

We don’t think that you are a scammer, a money-monger, a scum-bag or a politically-drunk, power-driven, egotistical governing tyrant. We also don’t see you as a domineering, macho, on-the-prowl, on-the-make, stuck up, know-it-all alpha male who thinks he deserves whatever or whomever whenever he wants it.

After all, don’t the people nearest to you know you the best?

Just because the citizens of your own home state of Tennessee chose Republican George W. Bush over you in the Election of 2000 doesn’t mean much to me. In fact, plenty of other states in the South where you live voted against you, too. So what if that cost you the biggest election of your lifetime? That just shows that more than one stupid state can make a monumental mistake in an all-important presidential election.

In conclusion, most of us don’t see you as Mr. Gore, but simply as lovable Big Al. And we hope that this whole “overheated” affair turns out to be, as the name of your famous movie documentary is entitled, “An Inconvenient Truth.”

Sincerely,

Mike Rizzuto,

Lake Arthur Sun Times,

Gueydan Journal Editor